And though, of course, that's not important to me, all right, why not?

Wicked — 3.5/5

A perfect 3.5/5 movie. Very flawed, but with extreme highs that make for great repeat background viewing. It's highs: Ariana's a gifted physical actress, and the handful of songs that really pop. The flaws: nothing wrong with Cynthia's performance, but Elphaba is a boring character. She's only interesting in everyone's reactions to her. In trying to pinpoint why she's boring, I think it's this: she doesn't change. In the beginning, she's a strong character. At the end, she is the same person she was then. The movie tries to make her feel bad for who she is, but she never shows anything but strength and resilience, even if just spite. The movie, briefly, tries to change her to make her more popular, but as soon as that four minute song is over, her love interest tells her she doesn't need to change. Okay! Thanks! It's a movie about acceptance, and movies about acceptance aren't about how the main character changes, it's about how everyone around them changes. Ahhhh! It was us all along! I understand why people get attached to notions like that—the world is wrong, not me. They're not wrong! But also, maybe, they're not right. And the curse of life is that you will never know which is true. The story and the music don't tell the story of Elphaba being pushed down, and thus needing to retreat from herself. But it needs that in order for the final number to work on an emotional level. The ending—the song drawn out to a dramatic 15 minutes—is a sequence that I both love, and also doesn't work dramatically. She has to have felt the weight of gravity dragging her down before she can, uh, you know.
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I WILL ALSO ADD that, top to bottom, the original Wizard of Oz is filled with characters. Not just people who look funny, but who seem to be peculiar to their core. Here, it's funny costumes and hairdos that are made to do the work of creating a character.

Remember this feeling. It's like the first time you fell in love.

Somebody Somewhere S2 — 4/5

This show always hints at a wider world—who is Holly, where did Sam go before she came back—and while they are tantalizing mysteries, the show has zero interest in exploring them. I like that about the show! It becomes about the low-stakes gambles of day-to-day life, the easy chemistry of hanging out. It's the difference between calling up a friend and asking them to tell you everything they've been up to the past six years (and them not knowing where to start), and just wondering what they're up to today. Things will reveal themselves in pieces until eventually it forms a whole. It's casually funny and it's sad in a way that sneaks up on you. And the show, for drama's sake, feels the need to break your heart. I love when a piece of art builds up a point (friendship can save us) only then to undo that point (one person alone isn't enough to fill the god-sized hole), and this season worked towards those purposes. However, core to that attempt is breaking up the foundation of the show, which is the incredible chemistry between Sam and Joel—and thus, in parts, the show loses the true spark of why it's special. But in her hurt, you see Sam grow, because change is the only way to keep from losing something this beautiful.

Art isn't for everyone.

It's for one person.

How are you so strong!

Shrinking S2 — 3.5/5

Man, as much as I want to push against it, I fucking love Bill Lawrence's brand of schmaltz. Everything works out well for everyone! If we only made room for new people, they can expand our heart. How lovely. This season, Ted McGinley's Derek stood out as the center of the show. Always genial, always understanding. He is an everyday version of Jason Segal's Jimmy—not forcing people out of their shell, but gently coaxing, pushing here and there, a casual introduction, a piece of advice. If everyone had a Derek, they wouldn't need a therapist. Extending outwards from there, the larger cast continues to come into their own, and it's particularly become a joy to watch Harrison Ford look like he actually enjoys being there.

Ain't I a stinker?

Hundreds of Beavers — 3.5/5

I don't know if I like this movie as much as I admire it. It's so fucking silly, and the force of mind to create something so silly, so throwback, so borderless—and to do it for the length of an entire movie—is a force I admire. I will admit that I got tired of some of the hijinx, in the same way I might have tired of Bugs Bunny beyond a 10 minute segment, but the movie kept me watching out of pure appreciation for what they were doing, and then I was rewarded with a final 20 minute set piece that kept escalating the silliness further and further until I, finally, was able to give in to it totally. It feels bold to claim that a movie with a 1920s sensibility can exist and prosper in a modern climate, and here it is! All art from all time is still applicable. Glory be.

Welp ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

A total acceptance of things you can absolutely change.

Who's afraid of the big, black bat?

Batman Forever — 3/5 (rewatch)

I left the theater when I was 12 years old thinking this was my favorite Batman, and cultural commentary from the schoolyard indicated to me that that was the wrong opinion to have. Here, now, retribution. If you can go full in, embracing Joel Schumacher's 1930's serial vision: it's stupid, and it's fun. This is a fun movie. It's built like an amusement ride and serves its purposes to that end. It, like Mortal Kombat, is the boyhood id, separated from the need to make it worthwhile for adults as well. Why do we like our Batman serious? Because we are adults, and adulthood is for serious people who need to rationalize their childhood interests. It's not a great movie, but it is a playground brawl, smooshing action figures together to see who comes out on top, each figure clearly articulated. Val Kilmer's got the lips, Riddler's got the costumes, Chris O'Donnell's got an earring. Everyone plays their part, though notably I'll call out Tommy Lee Jones for the thing that works the least. He's having fun—the point of the movie—but conveying fun isn't just laughing maniacally; it's taking the role seriously. As anyone who plays with kids knows—childhood games are serious business.

As sick as our secrets.

Juror #2 — 2/5

Once again, I am here to tell the American people that their opinion is wrong. What is the fucking interest in this movie, holy shit. Compelling story synopsis, to be sure, but what lack of artfulness in its creation. No tension, bland performances on top of thin characters, no case to be made for a person's worth or lack thereof. This movie is a surprise to people who haven't watched the past 20 years of Law and Order so think they've found something novel. It's a fun movie to watch and say 'oh, what would you have done?' and I would suggest you go do that instead. Or go instead watch the much superior 'Paranoid Park.' All apologies to Toni Collette and Nicholas Hoult who I continue to enjoy 🙏

You have everything. EVERYTHING is for YOU. And this ONE THING is for HIM.

Problemista — 2.5/5

Based on one episode of Fantasmas, I like Julio Torres and want him to succeed. He feels like a hole that's been punched into comedy, tumblr absurdity finally with its chance to go mainstream. This movie, though, makes me feel like I would hate working with him. He's a millennial employee, in love with their own ideas; a work ethic that knows its good and therefore can be lazy about it.

Talking to Steve Martin is like talking to nobody.

Steve! (Martin): A Documentary in 2 Pieces 2024 — 3/5

Ugh, I waited to long to talk about this. It wisely splits its documentary into two parts, because Steve Martin are two different men, one silly, one obnoxiously serious. I think by the documentary's end, I can understand them individually, but I still can't quite understand how one became the other. As such, Steve Martin will continue to mystify me. Or maybe to the question "Why do they do it?", I'm reluctant to accept an answer as simple as "Anxiety."

Sing Hallelujah, come on, be happy, get ready for the judgement day.

Joker: Folie à Deux — 2.5/5

Fucking hated the first one, but there are redeeming qualities here! Namely, it's the first time I've ever seen in all of her cartoons and comics and movies Harley Quinn as a potent villain. The manipulative narcissist girlfriend! Pushing and pulling gentle and large, in geocentric orbit around a larger star, molding it into her vision. She doesn't pull the trigger, but she certainly puts the gun in the hand and says go bang. "It would make me happy, baby." The movie is at its best when she's in the center, furthering the creation of the idea of the Joker. It's a great view of toxic relationships—of course you stay with her! She likes you! And you like the story she tells about you better than the one the others tell about you. But then the movie sort of discards whatever I thought the story might have been and then beyond that is just generally indulgent with its idea of a musical. I believe with the whole of my being that Todd Phillips only has disdain for the people who give him money. He doesn't give a shit about you. I kind of think the same thing about Joaquin Phoenix. They're evil artists.

Eternal life or a catfish sandwich.

Rebel Ridge — 3/5

At around the 35-minute mark, I was fucking PUMPED. That excitement kept me holding on for the next hour and a half, edge of my seat, but it also never meets the magic of that minute mark. I thought I was in for some Jean-Claude shit. But nah, it's one of those 2010s action movies that would rather be an intellectual thriller than a face-puncher. The movie gets bogged down in its true-to-life legalese, and when we finally get back to the action, it's not exactly the action we were promised an hour and a half earlier. Even so, I will respect the movie on a very specific boundary: no killing. I always admired the first 3/4s of 'The Rundown" because here was an action figure who disliked guns, only to have him go on a bullet-fueled rampage in the final quarter. Here, the character stays consistent to his code.

Under different circumstances, you and I probably still would have hated each other!

Midnight Run — 3/5

I finally got around to this. Yay! It's 'Planes, Trains, and Automobiles' with a bounty hunter, and I think I generally prefer it to that movie. But I also don't know what totally to make of it. Charles Grodin's got a sweet, annoying charm that the movie wisely shows only in small doses. De Niro is... pretty generic? Aside from peppering sentences with cuss words, he could have been anyone. The soundtrack to the movie says we're in for an adventure, and it manages to confuse the tone of the movie. Sometimes drama, sometimes comedy, only so-so at either of them—but always the same fucking soundtrack. But, even so, a light charm runs through the whole thing, held together by a soundtrack that says we're in for an adventure, and all the familiar character actors that form the outline of the movie.

I rule me.

Smile 2 – 4/5

I can't wholly say it's quite as good as its forebear, but boy oh boy does it have fun with the world that's been created. Naomi Scott is an absolute revelation in the role, from wearing the role of pop star authentically (arguably one of the harder acting roles anyone can ever do?) to the ability to say 'fuck!' in every variation of the word. From what I can remember from 1, I saw it to be about how trauma never leaves you, no matter how hard you try, and here the same but more focused on how no one quite believes what you're going through. It's a disease that isolates you. We all experience it, but totally alone. They don't recognize you—and you don't recognize yourself from the person you were just yesterday. So keep moving forward, keep smiling through the pain. "It gets better." (Maybe.) Beyond that, Parker Finn takes the premise to a bigger place by simply having fun. The gore is scarier, the monster is more ridiculous, the trauma is a dance routine!!!, the final death in front of all those people. Chef's kiss.

Are they terrified of unobscured and brilliant colours?

Conclave — 4/5

I never knew how much I wanted to see how the conclave process worked! It's all petty politics with the most virtuous people on earth!! Entertaining to enter this world of rituals, and there is a light humor that runs through this thing which almost makes me think it could have gone full Armando Iannucci. I feel reluctant to mention the twist, but also of course it's hard to discuss the movie without talking about it. So proceed cautiously. I think, in essence, the movie is the best pro-trans movie to exist. Not hitting you over the head with the message, but just laying it casually at your feet, within the language of the movie. God's designs, God's rules. If you believe It infallible, how can you call Its creation flawed?