I have the power.

Masters of the Universe (2026) — 1.5/5

Man, something strange is happening in the world of movies and ^I think I've figured it out.^ First, my memories of He-Man are largely in my family telling me that I loved it, meaning it had done enough to mean something, but not enough to linger. And the trailer looked fun* and a couple people said it was fun and I am telling you all of this so that I can convince you that I went in with the best of intentions. I did not harbor thoughts of what this movie should be, I did not pay $40 for a good time out though secretly desire a reason to thrash and flail. I was only confronted by what it is. And, like 'Project Hail Mary', within five minutes I was assaulted by a tone that I could not overcome. I think there's a section of the internet that refers to this as 'Marvel-ization' of tone, but I don't think that's it at all. I think we're in a new era of tone, which I will call Barbie-ficiation. Marvel's tone I attribute to 'Cheers,' and I attribute it to 'Cheers' because Amy Poehler said if you want to learn how to write sitcoms, watch 'Cheers' and so I watched the first season of 'Cheers', and the secret to 'Cheers' was 'say something serious, and then undercut it with a joke.' (And I'm sure what existed in 'Cheers' existed before then, but that's as far as I can take it.) I think Marvel does that well, and whether that tone simply shaped my upbringing and understanding of humor within storytelling (it premiered in '82 and I was born in '83!), I cannot say, but I think 'Barbie' starts to do something differently. Marvel, at its best, are serious movies with comedy. Barbie is a comedy, with a serious, large, deeply philosophical underpinning. Marvel cuts the tension with a joke. Barbie cuts the comedy with tension. (I can't trace the origins of that, but if I had to guess, I'd wager it's a characteristic shared with the 2010s era of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network animated shows, which I also saw in 'Nimona', which preceded Barbie to a premiere by one month.) We're dancing, we're having a good time, and "do you guys ever think about dying?" (Trace that to 'Project Hail Mary' and "I put the 'not' in 'astronaut'" while people look at him gravely. Ryan Gosling's playing a deeply unserious character constantly being given reason to take it seriously. He's a comedian in a sober world.) This movie feels cut of similar cloth. Nicholas Galitzine plays a buff buffoon in a world where his mom and dad have been kidnapped and likely tortured, and an evil skeleton has turned his world into a hellscape. With those tangible plot details, it's more of a comedy than I would have expected! With underpinnings of a larger, deeper philosophical point to be made about power and who wields it. Gerwig did not make a perfect movie, but she largely pulled off an ambitious attempt, but her ultimate success was that she unleashed something new into the world. She said of 'Barbie' — “I’m doing the thing and subverting the thing," which is essentially the same here. It's taking the world seriously, while also saying the world is silly, and what comes out of that is comedy comedy comedy violent murder of innocents comedy comedy comedy deep thought comedy comedy comedy violent murder of enemies comedy comedy comedy very adult humor that parents will need to explain to their children** comedy comedy comedy. It's "the thing," and an acknowledgement that the thing is also being watched by a people who have a relationship with another version of the thing. I think the new version of the "four quadrant film" is essentially this precipice where "we must engage new audiences without alienating old audiences." And brother, that precipice is built on fear and it kind of sucks. This movie kind of sucks. 

Then again, I can see the parts of the movie that succeed — well, it's just one thing: Skeletor. (Moviemakers, fiends, you've driven me to tell my audience that the best part of a movie is Jared Leto.) He is both evil and funny. He's not the thing but also the other thing; he is both simultaneously, and that's a tonality that 'Barbie' was largely able to hold onto (the credit of which I think belongs to Margot Robbie who, through good acting, gravitas, is able to keep the movie centered). He-Man, in contrast, looks the part, but has no central core to him. He is either Adam, a man capable of nothing, or He-Man, the man who can do anything. They are not the same, and I can see an intent of this movie in them becoming one, but that doesn't happen. He is just the thing but also subverting the thing, within a dualistic character. 

To that, it is entirely possible that my theorizing here is just a response to a lack of artistry (or my preferred artistry). It's okay for me to not like a movie that others like, I repeat into the mirror. But there's something about this, and "Project Hail Mary," and (to a lesser extent) "Barbie," where I almost feel bad for not liking it as much as I'm supposed to which makes me want to understand why. (These reviews say as much about me as the movie, wow, what a surprise.) I'm thrashing and flailing to put my finger on something intangible. And listen, if you know anything about me, you know I love to discuss philosophical ideas, intercut with jokes, so I would love for this to work out. But I think 'Barbie', for me, and like 'John Wick'***, becomes this miracle of tonality which feels easy to replicate, but incredibly difficult to pull off. But it's a new idea and I expect to see a lot more of it coming around the bend. 

*Watching the trailer again in preparation for this review, I think it largely does not come across as a comedy. It comes across as a fun world that takes itself seriously, with moments of humor, but with a sincerity running through it, but the movie itself feels like a reverse of that tonality.

**Another mark for my conservative streak. Did he need to say 'asses' so many times when 'butt' would have been just as funny? Does he need to say 'goddamn'? Does he need to make jokes about fisting and giving head? I don't even fucking have children and my response to those things is 'sorry for the conversation on the ride home' and also 'it's lazy messageboard humor' and, sir, I was a lazy messageboard humorist, and there's nothing that I hate more than my own kind. 

***...and shit maybe even 'Speed' before it? And 'The Matrix' after that? And 'Die Hard' before both? I think any movie that becomes shorthand for an executive to say '...make it more like [x]' showcases that people can sense there's a new idea here, but they can't quite figure out what it is, so they grasp at the easy descriptors, forming something similar and worse. But, you know, one, artistry, and the ability to actually pull this off and, two, no, it's just the one actually.