Let's try that again.

Madame Web — 1/5

I can't hate Dakota Johnson. She's a character actress who everyone else is trying to make into a movie star. At her best, she's millennial Winona Ryder; not angsty, just perpetually annoyed. But she has no range to go beyond that, and where we can blame her for her part in all of this is thinking that she is capable of more. There is a five minute span in the middle of this movie where you think, oh wow, this is how to use Dakota Johnson—annoyed millennial mom to annoying Gen Z cohabitants. She doesn't want to be there; she doesn't care. But the movie only works if she cares. Nothing about this movie works. The opening action scene is filmed like an episode of 'The Office.' An uninteresting villain. The Spider-Girls are barely painted. The unnecessary links to an unborn Peter Benjamin Parker. There's an aspect of comics, and comic movies, where it's fun when things connect, but there's also a tendency at times to connect everything. It's the worst instinct of bad writers. Some people can just be random fucking people who come into your life and want you dead. The origins of the scar on Indiana Jones' chin can just be a random bike accident when they were twelve years old.