Mother

Tell your children not to walk my way.

Here is my critical analysis of a kid's movie.

harry potter and the order of the phoenix - so far, the harry potter movies have been the definition of light entertainment but, fifth time around, they figured out what they were doing. it's dark, scary, and for the first time, there's a real sense of urgency to everything. just the nature of them taking place over an entire school year meant there was a lot of meandering and crap that didn't have anything to do with anything other than what was introduced may be referenced in one of the later movies and we need to put it in just to make sure, but most everything here seemed to be focused on building to the final battle, which is the most exciting thing any of the movies have come up with. the giant was the only thing that seemed out of place and there was an actual sense of magic that'd been missing from the other movies. 8/10.

fatty mcgee

i would like to think that my body is falling apart because of hard-partying and having sex with so many women, but it's really just because i eat a lot of fudge rounds.



also, browsing on the internet while eating chips is hard.

Subject line.

Meet the Feebles - 2/10. this movie hurt my head. i've come to the realization that half the movies i watch on netflix aren't because i actually want to see them.

Fries without salt.

Fuck this shit.

The power of the medium.

Luke Cage, hero for hire, to Dr. Doom, world-class sorceror, a scientist on the caliber of Reed Richards, and gypsy ruler of Latveria:



Also, this:



Credit: www.the-isb.com

A plea to the American public:

Stop liking things that are bad.

transformers - 4/10. tacky. in a movie about giant fucking robots, there was not one moment that resembled genuine excitement.

A cat watched me poop.

It was oddly comforting. It also reminded me how terribly alone I am.

My other stories about cats:

We once had a cat named Midnight. It was black. I didn't name it. Thinking back, I don't think I ever got to name any of our pets, which probably explains my inability to love any of them. Anyway, she died by getting into my dad's engine when he started it. Oops?

My aunt has a lot of cats and dogs and I think a ferret that fucking woke me up at 6 a.m. every morning by nibbling on my toes. I'd think it was adorable if it wasn't six in the morning and fucking cold because they had trash bags for walls. My aunt once broke her foot and didn't go to the doctor because something to the effect of 'I don't believe in them.' I don't know. My uncle, her husband, doesn't have any teeth and a tommy gun in the attic. Anyway, I don't like visiting there.

I think if I had a cat, I would name him 'cool dude.'

/Post about cats.

By the way, my aunt's name is Bessie.

Any other post requests, you go ahead and let me know.

Superman.

ratatouille - 8.5/10. adorable, but i'm going to nitpick: i would've liked to have seen the movie without the rat being able to talk at all. the movie didn't come alive until linguini picked up the rat and realized the rat could cook without being able to understand it at all. brad bird's shown he can put more humanity into a character who isn't able to speak than most people put into their whole lives, and these parts outweigh the shallow emotions of patton oswalt's thin voice. i'm always a big fan of movies trying to convey as much as possible with saying as little as possible, and i could've used that here, especially in the final emotional speech to himself. i am the biggest brad bird fan, but what he did with one word in 'the iron giant' has been lost in favor of overly-long and overly-saccharine speeches about family and finding the hero inside over these last two movies. before you argue, some of my favorite parts of the movie were the rat talking to gusteau and i still think those parts could have survived with gusteau sort of speaking for the rat. just.. imagine it my way, all right?

also, anton ego is a fantastic villain.



fuck, i love this movie.

also, the way the robot's eyes moved in the preview for 'wall-e' made me wet my pants.

next: a post about cats

Threesies.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Lazzzerz.



Befriend us at www.myspace.com/lazzzerz.

I hate everything.

Return to Oz - 6/10. There are things in here which are cool and fun (that fucking talking chicken being the main one), but its tv-movie production values means there are too many cartoon-y elements that are ineffective or just plain dumb.

Also, Fairuza Balk is crazy.

A note on Forrest Gump.

Suspension of disbelief.


/Suspension of disbelief.

Our creative director, to us.

"__ WOULD PERSONALLY PUNCH EACH ONE OF US SQUARE IN THE DICK IF WE SUGGESTED THAT WE DESTROY THEIR RIDES. DICKPUNCHES!"

Someday, I will make a real post.

knocked up - 8/10. hilarious in a bunch-of-dudes-just-talking-about-shit sort of way.

Hey, guys, I watch movies.

the fountain - 8/10. i liked it and i don't know why and me trying to rationalize it would probably be wrong. it's a testament to how good darren aronofsky is in that what could have been sappy and corny in any other hands doesn't come off that way.