I hate you.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie — 2/5

It's crushing the amount of talent that goes into a movie as mediocre as this. It's a Funko Pop model of a movie. It's a highlight reel of 'that thing that you're vaguely aware of from having been exposed to Mario games for the past umpteen years'. Blocks and mushrooms and stars and pipes and toads. But it's most fun when it touches on things we haven't seen in Mario before: an extended family! A plumbing business in peril! Big brothers looking after little brothers! A Bowser in love! Mushroom Kingdom invading New York City! Listing them out here I'm like okay, that's a decent amount of fun to be had. But it's too busy hitting all the bullet points to linger anywhere new. Whenever a joke lands (I particularly enjoy Seth Rogen's Donkey Kong's context-less 'I hate you'), it just makes me wish everything around it could pick up that same energy. It made almost as much money as Barbie, and is the exact opposite. "Give them what they want: nothing to complain about." Mario is simple. Barbie is complex. Here are your two paths, children—both hold equal weight. Please make the right choie.