The banality of evil.

1408 - 7/10. Delightfully simple concept that loses itself when it gets too personal. Stranger in a strange room -- that's, like, us, man. Person with his own personal demons in a strange room -- Man...

Christian death wish.

Jesus Camp - 4/10. Predictable and not particularly insightful. The movie stands back from its subjects so much, so objectively, that all it does is hold them up and say 'hey, this exists' and, well, I already knew that. The radio guy was the most interesting subject as he calmly and rationally tried to oppose the more fundamentals while still holding on to his own beliefs and, well, the filmmakers chose not to focus on him.

Having

to believe.

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen's

Gigantic Head.

Goo' jo'.

Hancock - 5/10. Will Smith's 'playing drunk' is pursing his lips. All surprises are telegraphed. The interesting stuff ends up being the backstory and 'how things work' and that stuff moves fast enough to not give you time to dwell on the inconsistencies, but it also moves too fast to give you enough time to figure out what the fuck is going on.

The language of our culture

no longer describes real life.

If it’s a life of possibilities

that pulls you away, that claws and tears and challenges you to stay, well, then --
if it’s a life of possibilities that you’ve gotta live then don’t be surprised when they don’t remember you or simply don’t want to.

A hobo spider.

Haha, I don't have a job.

Taking what you do unintentionally.

And learning to do it intentionally.

Ha!

Shorty make 'em laff.

Run ragged.

Plum tired.

Just another

motherfucking.

Why is it that when I put things on my butt.

They alway smell like dookie.

I'm-a poot in my chair.

I'm-a keep pootin' in this chair.

It's the ones who've cracked

that the light shines through.

People

who continue to look at you after you've finished saying something, as though you have something else to say.

X-Position.

EXTREME STORYTELLING.

Yes We Can.

Have 0% APR financing.

Air travel.

Download.

1 ride to the airport
2 bye
3 welcome aboard
4 takeoff
5 and from above
6 and from below
7 bump
8 down, down, down
9 chumming the ocean

Rapping.

About issues.

In his right hand:

Doooooooooooooom.

Well, man, I'll.

I'll see ya.

Bugaboo.

The Spiderwick Chronicles - 3/10. Shit.

I gotta remember.

Same way twice.

Prince Caspian - 6/10. All things through Jesus, y'all. For two hours, it's a solid yarn, points better than its fucking awful predecessor, three of four kids having learned how to behave on film and there's even an odd amount of humor, and then the fucking, you know, hand of god shows up and let's not do this again.

Aaaaaaaah.

Horton Hears A Who - 7/10. Jim Carrey plays an overly-endearing version of Aladdin's Genie. To, er, explain things: in Aladdin, the Genie was manic because he was trapped in a hole for, uh, a thousand years or something and he also wanted his freedom or something and what I'm saying is that's an excuse to be a little excited and to perhaps fly off the handle. The mayor's frantic because his whole world's being turned upside down and so, since he's not given a reason, Horton's just sort of annoying because that's the way we do things, all right. It's not sincere. The best moments are stuffed between the bigger moments. Reaction shots, throwaway lines, and Katie, who is the character find of forever. The bigger the movie tries to be, the less it works and, well, it just shouldn't have tried so hard. Also, there seems to be some sort of anti-secular message that's replaced its anti-racist message and, uh, i'm not into that Jesus shit, all right?

I can be a little cold,

but you can be so cruel.

A face like a square

being pushed through a circle.

Tight pants

like an X-Ray scan.

If you ain't livin', then you dyin', man.

You dyin'.

As a young man,

I noticed I could see quite well with my eyes closed.

You have to understand.

I don't mean anything by it.

Love story

at the end of the world.

I carry my friendships like I burden illness.

I hold my breath and hope that it goes away.

Egg falls on rock.

JCVD - 8.5/10. I've been going on and off in recent months about the autonomy of a single piece of... art and how, unless otherwise noted, everything should be looked at as independent and self-containing and all the satisfaction you find comes from within it and not from the director or actor or artist's total career of work. Judging every Woody Allen movie based on previous Woody Allen movies, for example. And this movie is the gold star hanging on the end of just how wrong I am. Jean-Claude plays the role of the end of a lifetime and is just about the most empathetic thing I've seen on screen. If not the best movie this year, then a very humble second, alongside what should, in a perfect world, be a Best Actor nod.

I regret to inform you:

It wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster.

Excuse me, friend.

Let me lean on you for some of them eggroll.

When they put the lightswitches on sideways.

They always tryin' to fuck with me.

Things I am going to do to your body:

::blanks::

If that don't beat all.

A Complete History Of My Sexual Failures - 8/10. The star attempts to contact all of his old girlfriends to see why he's such a bugger. The interviews for the most don't really lead anywhere because he's something awful a journalist and he can't seem to lay out a truly objective conversation which might provide honest or even insightful answers. The best thing he can do to see why he's such an awful but oddly lothario-ish boyfriend is to look at his movie: it's lazy, it's disingenuous, it gets sidetracked by its penis, and it's a bit of a twat, but man, it is delightful.

For her...

...I can be a hero!

It is written.

Slumdog Millionaire - 8/10. This a love story, y'all. My empty threat: The movie's flaw as I can see it is that, in general, when movies start with children, you grow to love those children, and when those children change actors for later periods, you don't see them as the same person. It's a new person with the same character's name. Think Cinema Paradiso and how Toto the teenager is not the Toto you fell in love with. Or the first half of Persepolis versus the second half. It's not impossible to overcome this, I mean - as you see Salim, the lesser brother, grow up, who he's become is entirely connected to who he was and the decisions he made to get him there while Jamal, the main, in contrast, goes from this incredibly charming rogue to a fairly somber young man, which is, uh, intentional, I guess, but it's not the character you loved. Instead, he has become A Leading Man Who Has Nothing To Offer But His Love For A Girl, and since when was that enough? Empty threat. Good movie. Tell your friends.


So yes. Kung-Fu Panda is still the best movie of the year.

Horrible accidents are God's way of saying

'Hey, man.'

I listen to music.

I'm a cool guy.

Growing up.

Changing everything anyone ever liked about you anyway.

I figured out what that zoo smell is.

It is my butt.

Subject.

Predicate.

Guys, this is it.

Prom Night - 5.5/10. I feel like writing about how this movie *wasn't that bad,* but I know that would be wrong.

Seems like he never learns there's such a thing

as a critter that'll just keep comin' on.

Love it or leave it.

Wait, you're leaving?

Where are you going?

Oh god.

People you me.

Australia - 7/10. Nicole Kidman's pre-mature aging, or I guess maybe just her aging like a normal human being, has made her a wonderful character actress. She's cheeky and stilted, but her wrinkles make it seem more intentional than it used to. Hugh Jackman is given too many lines. That's... pretty much the problem with the movie. It tries to do too much, it tries to fill every spare breath with something new and dramatic and it doesn't trust the scenery and our own wherewithal to do it for us. And in doing a lot, it doesn't really say anything. The same way 'Superman Returns' was at turns an action movie and a love story, 'Australia' takes a stab at every genre, but doesn't fit them together to make them say something all together now. It's crippled under the weight of its own ambitions. It's incomplete.

Tom Waits

for no man.

- Anti-Tom Waits picketer.

Pimp my soul.

I need a riced-out spiritual effervescence.

Poot

sweat.

Hey -

Y'all heard that new 50?

I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day,

rather than a sex symbol.

I Fucking Saw That Shit In 3-D™

Bolt - 4/10. Uh. Shockingly dull?

The Poonisher.

The Ass-Enders.

Transpooter.

The Transporter - 5.5/10. Plot aside, totally redeemable movie. Some clever fight scenes and car chases stuffed between a Nash Bridges episode. Jason Statham makes for us a hero who doesn't kill unless accidentally or absolutely necessary which is, I don't know, something to be admired. The fight scene in the oil is the jam.

The Transporter 2 - 6.5/10. The first one, plus some art direction and a decent villain and a film-sized plot. It touches on over-the-top but doesn't stop taking itself seriously, which is how fun movies are made. Only caveat is that the beginning of the movie hints at a villain who is equal in kung-fu to our hero, but we get a set-piece fight scene in an airplane instead.


I would totally watch the third one in a theater.

Assuming they were a fixed feature,

I neglected to record their latitude, their longitude, their approach.

The better organized a state,

the duller its humanity.

People with cameras.

Assholes on bridges.

My fiction

beats the hell out of my truth.

Good writing.

Realizing what's worth repeating.

If you don't make a choice, the choice makes you.

Ghost Rider - 6/10. The right combination of awful and just-having-fun.

I got nothin' for you, man.

The Forbidden Kingdom - 6/10. It makes me sad that Jackie Chan grew old.

Midnight on the water.

I saw the ocean's daughter.

Yo, I ain't got any butter for da bread.

You want some-a da Arby sauce?

Underwear with pre-printed dookie stains.

Oops, wrong blog.

I hope when you think of me years down the line

you can't find one good thing to say.

I can say I hope it will be worth

what I give up.

People who keep saying 'y'all.'

It's 'you all.'

Why they make shelves so high?

I can't even reach that shit.

The greatest trick.

Needful Things - 6.5/10. Wonderful idea for a movie, I am in love with this idea for a movie, but it's from the 'In The Mouth of Madness' school of either unskilled or uncaring filmmakers. The Debil comes to Castle Rock and opens an antique store, where everyone who enters finds something they've always wanted, or that they've lost, and he's willing to lower the price if they'll just do him this small favor. These small betrayals of their own morality, in order to get what they want. I love the idea of the devil as less of a guy who 'tries real hard' and more as moving one small thing and watching it roll downhill. Less prognostic, more deterministic. It's just here he's more of a 'haha, I'm the devil! What's a guy to do? What is a guy to do?' wink-wink nudge-nudge. I wish he didn't become so sinister and more just sat and watched, sat and watched. By the end, everything of course boils to a head and the movie just didn't sell itself as being big enough. It should have been more of what people are willing to sacrifice of themselves to get what they want, and their stubborn-ness in giving it back. I want to remake this. Also, one of my favorite movie titles.

From the visionary director

of '300.'

I broke the toilet.

I used it too hard.

You're not making Christianity better.

You're making rock and roll worse.

Thoughts on Vanessa Hudgens:

I've seen her naked.

Words

can't.

It's not you, I just don't like having dinner with people.

Role Models - 7.5/10. Well, I loved it. The problem with the Stella guys, from The Baxter to this, is that they seem to write 'the comedy parts' and 'the drama parts' and they can't make it fit together, so the shifts are abrupt and obvious. But anyway. Nitpicking. Real sweet.

Critics:

Bad at parties.

We Accidentally Ordered It On Pay-Per-View™

Home Movie - 7.5/10. Apparently, this is getting distributed. Told through a gimmick, I guess, but I don't give a fuck, shit. It's told through home movies by parents who, uh, really like to make home movies, I guess, as their lives dissolve after their kids start showing anti-social disorders. The two leads, Adrian Pasdar being the only notable, are frickin' light on their feet, dude, natural as all shit, laughing, cutting up, seem like they're genuinely having fun. The kids are de rigueur stone-walled creepy which blemishes the movie only a little. The movie wins because you genuinely grow to like the fun-loving parents and watching people you like fall apart is better than watching people you don't care about fall apart. Or at least I would hope.

Did the lawyer split?

Shoot 'Em Up - 3/10. I don't buy into the notion that if you intend for something to be bad, then you're excused for it being bad. However, when it's over-the-top, which is, uh, different from bad, I guess, it's hilarious. To sum up: when they're shooting people while falling out of a plane, when they're shooting people while having sex, when he's shooting the oil thing so that he can slide through the oil as he's shooting people, it's guilty fun. When they're talking, attempting characterization, or furthering the plot, it is awful.

Thir13en Ghosts - 4/10. It's a Scooby Doo plot and there's so much potential for fun in that which this thing only hints at. I wanted cool ghosts with cool back-stories killing people, and there simply weren't enough people to kill. Also, Matthew Lillard's drool. Apparently, the original 13 Ghosts had special glasses that you had to wear in order to see the ghosts. That is awesome. I only want to make movies where you can put the number in the letters of the title.

TMNT - 5/10. The bad guys:

1) The Immortal.
2) The Immortal's stone generals.
3) 13 immortal monsters.
4) The foot clan and their fill-in leader.
5) The Nightwatcher.
6) Mexican mercenaries.
7) The inability to come together as a team.

An overabundance of bad guys which just means a lot of faceless bad guys. The brunt of the story is on Raphael and Leonardo who are, like, the worst turtles, seriously. Michaelangelo and Donatello are fucking hilarious throughout this thing and there's, what, five minutes of screen time? Fucking. I don't know why they couldn't just put them back into the costumes. Those costumes fucking, they still hold up. Time hasn't aged that shit. Fuck.

Well, la-di-fucking-da.

You went to the Outer Banks.

Holding words

hostage.

History.

Or something.

I swear I way more than half believe it when I say:

That somewhere love and justice shine.

The crowd is singing along to the chorus.

They're ruining the song.

The World's Greatest Rock-And-Roll Singer.

The World's Greatest Sinner - 5/10. Written, directed, produced, distributed, starring Timothy Carey as, well, God. It's basically a promotional reel for boy,-can't-he-act, as our family man realizes his will is his own, and it is but for him to take up a guitar and usurp God's presence on earth, claiming that we are all of us, amen, Super-Human Beings, gods ourselves, as he fucks older women, as he fucks younger women, as he fucks his very wife on his way to the presidency of these here United States. As the story goes, he filmed this over two years with what money he could manage and set out to make the most offensive movie seen yet and while it's not that, it can be fun to watch because he is a wild honey bear of an actor, but it's a chore to trudge through to see it not go anywhere.

Making a point,

and then continuing to make that point.

A word

to describe how unfunny something becomes between conception and it appearing on TV.

It's also a drink.

I Walked With A Zombie - 7/10. Like 'The Cat People,' a Val Lewton production, and his trick seems to be placing fairly serious social drama on top of a superstitious background. While 'The Cat People' never got the social drama down, dragging one sentiment for far too long, here, it's wonderfully melodramatic, with one brother hiring a nurse to save his wife that he may have driven mad, while letting his brother continue to suffer. It's dense shit that reveals itself in pieces. But where 'The Cat People' got the horror bit right at the end, 'Zombie' never really capitalizes on the thick island and voodoo atmosphere that it creates for itself. What's interesting is that while the social drama is fun, it's sort of only fun knowing that there's a hint of what's-behind-the-door that could come out at any moment. It toys with you, and I think that's what horror movies are supposed to do or something.

Wilco.

Wilco.

Wilco will love you, baby.

Batman 3 casting rumors.

Citizen Kane.

Following the death of a publishing tycoon, news reporters scramble to discover the meaning of his final words: 'Who laid that stinky ass fart?'

Gonna start a restaurant called Pooters.

Gonna poot in yer food.

Helen Lewis

and Her All-Girl Jazz Syncopators.

'King of the Hill' cancelled.

I thought I should be the one who tells you.

One less person

who has something to say.

Burned at the stake

for mistakes that have nothing to do with anything but being human.

The artist formerly known as

They'll get you at home just as well.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) - 6.5/10. Off-hand, I can't think of a deformed creature with a heart of gold who the audience hasn't fallen in love with, so maybe it's an easy answer to say that Charles Laughton is marvelous. I would believe he was found on the steps of the cathedral and lived there his whole life. He inhabits his role much more than the rest, who are all fronts for some sort of ideology. The problem with the movie, halfway through and the after-taste, is that it tries to stuff too many social ideas into too small a frame. It bogs the middle down with too much plot, and it leaves everyone happy except for our dear hero, and the note rings false because they didn't dig a big enough hole for any of them to bury themselves in or to climb out of.

why do black people

because white people

why do white people

because black people

Grew up,

but didn't forget.

A Kiss Could Change Her Into a Monstrous Fang-and-Claw Killer.

Cat People (1942) - 6/10. For a 70-minute film, it's remarkably slow-paced. It pushes your patience and reasonable logic, as the leads are married for something like three months with Simone Simon refusing to kiss her husband for fear she'll turn into a monstrous fang-and-claw killer and shit, dog, that's a long damn time. For a second, that makes for an interesting theme about jumping in and marrying someone you can't fully know and how centuries-old superstitions can keep someone from taking a chance and eventually driving the other peson away, so it's sort of disappointing when it finally becomes a horror movie. But ignore that. The last twenty minutes goes from first to whatever-a-fast-gear is and Simone Simon switches from sweet to deadly literally by flicking on the light. The whole movie's less of a crescendo and more of a person tapping their toe and then banging pots together.

I live so close, I can feel you change your mind.

None But The Lonely Heart - 6/10. The excuses I'll make for the people I love. This was post-fame Cary Grant making a bid for 'I am a serious actor' and he did, in fact, get an Oscar nomination, if undeservedly. The plot throws a pile of 'being poor sucks' cliches into the mixer and doesn't bother to really follow-through with any of them, the final conclusion drawn being that, man, being poor sucks.

But the title is bangin', dog.

Everybody wants to be kissed. Even philosophers.

Funny Face - 6.5/10. It's hard to criticize the movie because it just seems to set up pieces that allow Fred Astaire and Audrey Hepburn to be on the screen together which, to be perfectly honest, I'm almost perfectly happy with, but there it is, that's all there is to it. A handful of numbers. Fred Astaire seems born under other people's eyes, everything he does with choreography, whistling the same tune in his head when he's just walking down a hallway. One of film's great crimes is giving Audrey Hepburn shit for not providing the singing voice to Eliza in 'My Fair Lady,' and here she's phlegmy but who gives a fuck, really, she's darling. The problem with the movie is they fall in love too soon, and if you were Fred Astaire and if you were Audrey Hepburn, I couldn't blame either one of you, but it comes out of nowhere and they end up not deserving each other's love because they didn't work for it (which is the fault with Brokeback Mountain, though by the end of that one, you end up believing it). And then they stay in love and there's manufactured drama and something, I don't know, whatever, they look cute on screen. It's hard to criticize the movie because it puts everything into what it's got and doesn't try for anything more and those handful of moments that it's got are the reason I love movies and that sort of shit.

I take not giving a shit

very seriously.

Guide to meeting girls:

1) Spot girl.
2) Go up to girl.
3) Ask her what her screenname is.

Pop phenomenon.

In The Mouth Of Madness - 7/10. Surprisingly creepy in spite of itself. More than anything, it speaks to what happens to good material when it's handled like the person making it doesn't have the sense to realize what he's got. A good story that's just sort of thrown-together. Yeah, we'll go with that shot, whatever. No, you did fine, let's move on. If they cared enough, it could have been great.

When you ask Jesus into your heart,

how do you get him out again??

With the rich and mighty, always a little patience.

The Sasquatch Gang - 5/10. Not funny, but inoffensive. Amiable.

Our Man Godfrey - 6/10. William Powell is delightful but pretty much ignored by everyone in the movie. Carole Lombard plays an early version of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, which people seem to think is a New Idea, and that's always annoying. Apparently, they fall in love? It's like the two halves of the movie weren't really talking to each other.

They wanna know why I'm so fly,

a girl asked me for a ring, I put one around her whole eye.

Destroying what anyone likes about you

for the sake of a melody.

Political humor.

Elections, please come soon.

Our hell

is a good life.

Saying lines

like my telepathy is off.

Get.

After they sunk his body and covered up their tracks, they thought of ways or means to lie about what they had done. They told their Pa that he had gone off into the woods by himself. That got old Ma to worrying, but not about some burying

Less an expression of emotions,

than ideas.

The question is not whether I treat you rudely,

but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.

The politics

of AOL chain letters.

Romantic comedies

are really something only Hollywood can do.

A little ruin.

Les Diaboliques - 7/10. Well done but I can't tell whether or not I saw it coming or if any surprises the movie had to offer have been sucked dry by everything that came after it, inspired by it.

Criss Angel with a beard.

Criss Angel without a beard.


MINDFREAK.

That grey area

when you're not sure whether Criss Angel survived or not.

Eating lunch

for breakfast??

As quick as it come.

It gone.

Not aloof.

Wary.

One may do that only as an adult.

Sixteen Candles - 7/10. Yep.

Hoodwinked.

Hoodwinked - 3/10. Nope.

Be a good boy, Ronnie.

Little Children - 7/10. Suburbia is laid on pretty thick, which makes for it being occasionally surprisingly funny, but it also works against it. It seems like it only scratches the surface and so there's a hollow center that keeps me from becoming completely involved, except for Jackie Earle Haley, who is fantastic as a guy who doesn't embrace who he is, but doesn't deny it either.

It is not enough to like a film.

One must like it for the right reasons.

A little about me:

- Morally bankrupt.
- Sexy firefighter.

Genuine son of a bitch.

You're not the one who let me down.

But thanks for offering.

I'm so fucking self-indulgent

to think you'd like this song.

The world around me.

Do what now?

Favorite part of the debate.

Jim Lehrer: What would you do if your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor, 'cause he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money, and his daddy's gone so we're smokin' rock now, in and out of lock down, I aint gotta job now, so for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life?

Obama: I'm... I'm sorry, what was the question?

Mine is only pain.

"Fulcanelli was determined to perfect an invention which would provide him with the key to eternal life. He was to name it... the Cronos device. 400 years later, one night in 1937, part of the vault in a building collapsed. Among the victims was a man of strange skin, the color of marble in moonlight. His chest mortally pierced, his last words... Suo tempore."

Cronos - 7/10. A man-made-younger-by-weird-scarab-thing licking blood off a bathroom floor to slake his thirst is creepy. And then there's an alabaster man who tries to seek revenge against the man-who-would-also-have-it, who cares. Guillermo always seems to shoot himself in the foot when he reaches too far into fantasy (especially when he's already got a pretty sweet set-up), and the show's no different here. Take the first half, leave the rest.

You've got a tattoo that says 'Fuck the world.'

Stranger Than Fiction - 7/10. Great premise and the movie somehow tries to over-compensate for it? Stylistically overdone. The look of the movie tries to be more clever than the setup. Otherwise, it ends up not being as sharp as you'd like. Basically some seize-the-day shit, whatever. Maggie Gyllenhaal is more adorable since that movie where she showed her boobs, but she's just a plot device and don't mean a thang. The movie eventually can't crawl out of the corner it's written itself into, and it shouldn't, but it still tries. I feel like it's a movie you could go back in and re-edit and it's points better than it is. Accept that he's a normal guy who is not secretly interesting if he'd just shed this corporate cloth, and that his death means more to other people than his life ever will.

I'm not set up to mold hard rubbers.

Burn After Reading - 5/10. Nope! Everyone involved tries to wring every drop out of underwritten characters. Thematically similar to Blood Simple, except add government blundering on top of it. Brad Pitt manages to out-overact everyone to the point where he's likeable again. J.K. Simmons steals the show by being as tired of dealing with the movie as I was.

Now when I speak of her coloration, I refer to the summation of all her principles and beliefs.

This I endeavored to ignore.

Fuck yeah.

Trains.

Infatuation with a girl

in the food-service industry.

I spied a startling example of female.

She and I thus exchanged words:

God bless the curious

and incurious alike.

I didn't do anything today.

Then I took a nap.

Animatics.

Animatics.

A routine

I enjoy.

"In the world's population,

not one person is an extra; they are all the lead in their own story."


I disagree.

Seeing your babies come to life.

There are no words.

I stayed up all night

playing Canasta again.

Goddamn it.

I'll play my favorite song again.

Haha.

You believe in something.

It is stupid

and now so am I.

But what I really think

is a lot less interesting.

He piped his tom-twiddler and flapped his dim-wangle

(I looked up the facts to write this).

High school graduates.

4-Piece McNuggets - $1.00
10-Piece McNuggets - $4.69
3 4-Piece McNuggets (12 total) - $3.00

Everybody make nice

and pretend we're not disgusted with each other's beliefs.

But whatever he is, toots, you'll have to stick.

He'll give you no out as I did.

Diagnosing myself on the internet.

Patellar tendonitis.

All of the comics I own.

LINK

VIDEO PROOF.

A pile of stuff.

Black Christmas - 3/10. A severe lack of titties.

The Devil Wears Prada - 6.5/10. Anne Hathaway, you are a fine bitch.

Tropic Thunder - 6.5/10. Holy shit Robert Downey, Jr.

Rihanna,

I would hate to think of what your idea of a personality is,
but I like your new song.

Also, I passed you on the street once. Our eyes met. For a moment, we were one.

She took his soda pop.

There was nothing left.

Fuck!

The internet.

Get the ball in the hole, watch the piggy roll.

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans - 9/10. F.W. Murnau. Fantastic. It says in the beginning that it isn't an unheard-of story and, yeah, there's nothing here that hasn't been seen before, but the movie succeeds in how masterfully it puts it all together. It goes from suspense to romance to surreal to comedy to tearjerker without batting an eye, without screwing it up, and the music with it. It is a marvel of movie-making.

Nobody ever brings anything small into a bar.

Harvey - 6.5/10. The first half has all the side-effects of a movie made out of a play. 'Arsenic and Old Lace' (which apparently stars the same awful actress) and 'Bringing Up Baby'-style miscommunications and careful missed connections, loud and obnoxious characters who can't shut up for the second it takes to further the plot. And then Jimmy Stewart, playing a more earnest version of the drunk bit from 'Philadelphia Story,' by just standing there, forces the movie to slow to his pace. Once it stops trying to play for laughs (when Harvey's not on screen), it becomes genuine and warming. The rabbit's no good, but the talking about the rabbit is the best part of it.

tittup

: to move in a lively manner often with an exaggerated or affected action

tootle

1 : to toot gently, repeatedly, or continuously

Sorry we hurt your field, mister.

A Hard Day's Night - 7.5/10. I don't get off on their music, but they're sure fun, aren't they. They say fun things, they do fun things, and that's the story for the day. The musical interludes, on the most, get in the way of them saying and doing fun things. I like Ringo the best.

You do bring out the devil in me.

Terms of Endearment - 7/10. It feels breezy and incomplete and I don't really get the damn thing, but it's fun to watch?

Verve.

Steamboat Bill, Jr. - 4/10. Buster Keaton. The famous cyclone/building-falling-on-him sequence, which turns out to be a great scene in a bad movie. The build-up is slow and unnecessary getting to the stunts and, even then, Buster lacks panache.

Attn: Potential employers.

Click click, motherfuckers.

I don't mean to 'push my weight around'

but I own a gun.

When I have a problem,

I show them my gun.

I've got my gun pointed at the monitor.

Don't you fucking move.

I need to be in a firefight

really freakin' bad.

Our people once were warriors.

Last of the Mohicans - 2/10. Yeah, I didn't pay attention to you at all, but you did make me want to play with my gun.

I've taken to just sitting

with my gun in my lap.

Feed me, Seymour.

Little Shop of Horrors - 7/10. The Roger Corman version. Bit part by Jack Nicholson in his first feature. Charming! Not a far cry from the remake in how purely fun it is. Jack Nicholson is the only thing out of place.

Forget it, Jake.

It's Digiorno's.

Now imagine she was a white girl.

Adam's Rib - 9/10. Holy shit, this was *darling.* I'm not big on Spencer Tracy and I avoided the Tracy/Hepburn get-togethers because I feared his terrible commonplace-ness would fuck with her radiance, but he has this wonderful effect on her -- instead of just glowing, she comes off as warm, and she succeeds in making him something worth admiring. My god, they are beautiful together. Fucking shit. Christ. The ending isn't as tight as I would've liked but fuck that shit, I don't give a fuck, this was a joy to watch. I like movies like this. Please make more of them. And Judy Holliday was a doll.

I watched the end of M*A*S*H.

I cried again.

Shit.

A person doesn't change just because you find out more.

The Third Man - 7.5/10. The movie skips along. It's a lot more fun to watch than I'd have suspected, the music and all. The problem, I guess, is that it makes a stab at being important but it just wants to be a thriller.

Box office poison.

Bringing Up Baby - I love Howard Hawks, I love Katherine Hepburn, I love Cary Grant, I hate this fucking movie. It's loud. It moves too fast and doesn't reward keeping up with it. It's a two-hour meditation on 'Who's On First?' Jesus Christ, it's annoying. 2/10.

The world 'll be shut of ya.

Sling Blade - 7.5/10. Bill Bob is a treasure. Some weak points mar an otherwise fine film.

To me,

my X-Men.

Smoking crack.

Sucking dick.

Everyone's wrong

but us.

Maus I and II.

Yo, the cats is Nazis and the mouses, they is the Jews, ha.

Don't do me no favors.

Born Into Brothels - 6/10. Surprisingly not moving.

Demimonde.

Sweet Smell of Success - 8.5/10. Casually dark. You could drown in it. It's where 'In the Company of Men' gets its guts. I only like Tony Curtis in this role. Wonderful.

Then there are those of us who do it

because we think it's funny.

Pre 9/11.

Post 9/11!

Dear Transamerica,

You were very boring. 3/10.

Competence

is attractive.

pettifogger

1 : a lawyer whose methods are petty, underhanded, or disreputable : shyster
2 : one given to quibbling over trifles

shyster

a person who is professionally unscrupulous especially in the practice of law or politics : pettifogger

Yeah, I'm not going to get a job.

I'm booked until September.


OVATION
8/22 - 8pm Grand Illusion
8/23 - 6pm The Battle Of Algiers
8/25 - 2am Tokyo Godfathers
8/25 - 5pm Tex Avery, King Of Cartoons

TCM
8/22 - 10pm - The Third Man
8/24 - 12:45pm - Jezebel
8/25 - 8pm - Notorious
8/26 - 1:30 am - Indiscreet
8/27 - 10:15pm - Sweet Smell of Success
8/29 - 10pm - Mutiny on the Bounty
8/30 - 2:30pm - Bringing Up Baby
8/30 - 4:15 pm - The Philadelphia Story
8/30 - 8pm - Woman of the Year
8/31 - 2:15am - On Golden Pond
8/31 - 4:30pm - Adam's Rib

IFC
8/22 - 9:30pm - Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
8/24 - 8:30pm - Transamerica
8/26 - 7:05pm - Born Into Brothels
8/30 - 9pm - Sling Blade

Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson.

"The most exciting part of the film for me was jumping off a damn bridge onto a moving train. It was exciting. My adrenaline was flowing like the Super Bowl, man. I was ready to do that."

pedant

One who makes a show of knowledge.

prosy

1) lacking in qualities that seize the attention or strike the imagination : commonplace
2) tediously dull in speech or manner

The defecated reason was all,

and the heart nothing.

There is no other defense left for absurdity,

but obscurity.

Words

are wise men's counters, they do but reckon by them--they are the money of fools.

But Locke,

leaving this out of his calculations, was confident that a kind of intellectual atomism, with all things left to the emancipated personality and the prosy literal utilitarian education, would secure mankind against the violence of unreason. Men, however, hunger after faith, far more than an abstract right to judge all things upon the basis of their fallible senses; and if they are denied the faith of tradition, they will embrace the faith of a latter-day Ragnarok.

Penny apple red.

Pineapple Express - 6.5/10. I mean, whatever.

We came over to sit.

Lars and the Real Girl - 2/10. One of the new school, a direct descendant of 'The Squid and the Whale' (except I enjoyed that movie), where the movie attempts to take on a serious subject matter as it drowns in its quirkiness and disguises itself as a comedy while taking itself way too fucking seriously (re: The Savages, most things Mike White is a part of). One of the rare movies that offends me with how bad it is. Fuck. A 'Waking Ned Devine' for the mentally handicapped.

To call things by their proper names.

re: Barry Lyndon

"Final thoughts: I wouldn’t call this the most entertaining Kubrick film or my favorite, but it is nonetheless a masterpiece of mood, scale and character work. Alcott’s photography is classic and cries out for a high-def disc, the leads are all immensely watchable and Kubrick’s use of classical music is once again used to great effect."

you're saying it sucks, right?

that's what you're saying, right?

VHS.

Fandango - 5/10. A 'The Last Detail' for the college set. Five (four) guys go off for one last fandango afore they is to be drafted into the dangblast war, with Jim Morrison indian guide dream sequences. It's only notable for not being Kevin Costner's first movie. But it's a special beast. It was made to be shown as local CBS affiliate's Saturday afternoon feature. It exists for cutting to it halfway in and constantly only ever watching it in five minute stretches and somehow through a lifetime of five-minute stretches, you've watched the whole damn thing. It is a nothing of a movie but it is such a special nothing.

If you ain't dead

then sing along.

Fart!

Stink!

Y'all ain't want to hear me.

Y'all just want to dance.

All right!

Yeah!

Hagiography.

Man on Wire - 8/10. Pleasing.

Fuck you,

subway.

Man, did you just fart?

That shit stinks!

Long night.

And shit

and shit.

It's enough

that it exists.

Stop

liking things.

The perpetual fear

of not being misunderstood.

Why are you sweating?

I was watching 'Cops.'

Stepbrothers - 2/10. Violently unfunny. A 'Family Guy'-level event.

Man is least himself

when he talks in his own person.

Nothing makes one so vain

as being told one is a sinner.

My closet.

Happiness

is for pussies.

Who was not only dull

but the cause of dullness in others.

But one is but an insect,

and the other is a horse still.

A loose

sally of the mind.

Happier to be sometimes cheated

than not to trust.

Ah!

Let not Censure term our fate our choice,
The stage but echoes back the public's voice;
The drama's laws the drama's patrons give,
For we that live to please must please to live.

Impatience

of immediate pain.

I fancy mankind

may come, in time, to write all aphoristically, except in narrative; grow weary of preparation, and connection, and illustration, and all those arts by which a big book is made.

Gotta stick it out now.

Autumn Spring - 7.5/10 - Two old men trying to die decently.

etiolate (trans. verb)

1: to bleach and alter the natural development of (a green plant) by excluding sunlight
2 a: to make pale b: to deprive of natural vigor : make feeble

He seemed excited

to have said this aloud.

What a doctor know.

What a doctor know.

If you don't think that cowboys cry,

well then, you've never heard a cowboy's song.

I'm a Howard Hawks man.

Rio Bravo - 7.5/10. As the story goes, Howard Hawks made this as a response to 'High Noon' and I like it to that end. Rather than asking innocent people to take up arms, the sheriff refuses to let any amateurs die doing his job. To the other end, 'High Noon' made better use of the tension. The story in both is a waiting game, but this one gets lost in the very wonderful and very fun personalities of the characters and everything that makes Howard Hawks movies great that it forgets there's a bad guy and the movie simply ends.

Fuck you, Kathleen.

Kabluey - 6/10. It gets bogged down in its quirks, but there's an occasional anger which is great to watch.

Every bit

the bastard.

In and out of lockdown.

I ain't got a job now.

Was this supposed to be

funny?

We hanky-panky men have always been with you.

F for Fake - 9/10. It's unbelievable at just how many things this movie is about, with it rightly, and self-consciously, not being about too much at once. It shocks me at how well it was put together. And, above all, it was fun to watch.

why so serious

why so serious?

Batman!

8.5/10

Let's get excited

about something you have no part of.

We speak

fact.

I would believe that this Fanta is hurting my side.

But no, that would be silly.

New York

is not a Fanta town.

No one can compliment the work.

Without disparaging the genre.

Common.

Peripheral.

It's just how we talk.

The Fall - 8/10. I watched this movie in a theater with my eyes wide open.

She gave me a song.

Later, we held hands.

No one comes away with anything

that approaches dignity.

Darnit,

Jarnet.

Not even buried yet, how quickly they forget.

The Savages - 5/10. Nothing gained.

I'm going to win this shit.

"You know what? Let's just forget the paperwork."

One of these days, Luanne.

"Leo, Leo - it's just a better argument."

One or more genocides.

Hellboy II - 5/10. Cheap. An effective bad guy next to Guillermo's version of Hellboy and his puppet friends. The war was a good idea, but the movie doesn't focus on it and trades in any goodwill we gain towards it by turning it into a prequel for the next movie.

I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss.

Enchanted - 7/10. Cute. I suppose I'm stupid for thinking it could have been more than that.

Books-A-Million.

That's a lot of books!

Those guys that wipe their knife on their pants.

I want to do that some day.

The consistency

of coincidence.

Snapple

?

If there's grass on the field,

you can stick your balls in it.

Hello? What? Excuse me?

I don't actually read the New Yorker.

"The world's just... so big, Jerry. I don't know we'll ever make it."

Hungry?

Throw money at it.

She's got paint on her overalls.

Sunshine - 6.5/10. I think the general consensus is you come up with one of the coolest concepts in recent sci-fi memory and you turn in into a fucking slasher flick?

That.

Tele-pooter.

Transport your smell-waves across many distances.

Talk to the hand

because Society doesn't understand.

Promote unhealthy body images for women.

www.workfromhome.com, you can earn as much as 9 dollar an hour working from your home.

A girl's area.

Well??!

Banana

rama.

Can't teach them to grow tits.

Charlie Wilson's War - 7.5/10. Johnny Got His Gun is a good story and a poor commentary. The movie suffers when it isn't about Charlie Wilson, but his stupid war.

Back to wearing briefs.

Ladies.

Stuck like a pin in this damn life.

Rocky Balboa - 6.5/10. Weird. I don't think I've seen anything like it. A love song to a better movie.

Waitress - 7/10. A pleasure to watch but it doesn't amount to anything.

27 Dresses - 6/10. Katherine Heigl deserves a better movie.

Stay until the end, they invite him to join the Avengers.

Wanted - 5.5/10. James McAvoy's Wesley borders on interesting when he's a whinnying, frightful young boy who's in way over his head, but that is tempered by the easy, grade-school nihilism of the voiceover. But that doesn't really matter after about thirty minutes because it becomes a gleeful kind of violence where it doesn't really matter who you are when you're not holding a gun.

Getting off on dying.

My Mom's Got Starz!, Vol. 3

The Bucket List - 4/10. Old men porn.

A similar idea was in some fucking, I don't know, Chechnyan movie from years back which I can't recall, and that movie is fantastic.

Rambo - 5.5/10. Garth Ennis had a great run writing The Punisher where he would let the readers eschew moral gray areas in favor of building up truly horrible human beings so that we could watch them die. This is pretty much that.

My job is difficult.

Wall-E - 8/10. There is nothing evil in the world. I feel awful for picking on this movie because the main character is the kindest, sweetest thing. Unfortunately. Rather than letting two robots fall in love, which is fantastic, it has to be about something bigger and bigger and that bigger is simple and cheap. We're getting fatter and destroying the world and, 700 years later, we'll want to escape the comforts of space and go back and rebuild and not a word to the contrary? I doubt that shit. If anything, it just proves that cycles repeat. I wish the movie had enough guts in the end to say fuck all y'all, we can find salvation in two little curious robots instead.

So yes. Kung Fu Panda is still the best movie of the year.

It has been a very long time since I drank Mello Yello.

It tastes different now.

My first mix.

1) Slipknot - Wait and Bleed
2) Slipknot - (sic)
3) Blink 182 - Dammit
4) Blink 182 - Josie
5) Monster Magnet - Space Lord
6) Monster Magnet - Powertrip
7) Korn - A.D.I.D.A.S.
8) Korn - Got The Life
9) Guano Apes - Open Your Eyes
10) Static X - Bledfordays
11) System Of A Down - Sugar
12) System Of A Down - Marmalade
13) Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet Over Butterfly Wings
14) Metallica - Unforgiven II
15) Bush - Glycerine
16) Bush - Swallowed
17) Foo Fighters - Everlong
18) Weezer - Say It Ain't So

Superglue.

I underestimated you.

The truth about fireflies.

They're pretty ugly when you get up close.

Set design

as a plot device.

Nothing is obscene providing it is done in bad taste.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! - 7.5/10 - Genuine.

I've figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

The clever stuff.

Is on the good side of town.

The White House is symmetrical.

Rational minds

prevail.

Great

Googly Moogly.

Hulk

The Incredible Hulk - 4/10. I hate my culture. I hate everyone who reads comics. I hate everyone who doesn't read comics.

I want to say more, but I think I am irrationally, uncontrollably angry.

It was a Universal Studios ride.

Yes he is. Yes he is.

Some serious

dick.

What do you do on the other days?

I drink.

Fat man,

you shoot a great game of pool.

"...the pleasures of behavior

would suffice..."

"...enjoying in moderation

the alcohol and the sexual banter that are the warrior's rest..."

The emperor's new groove.

Kung Fu Panda - 8.5/10. There is little about this that wasn't fantastic.

I stay on my grind.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like aint nothin wrong wit that..thats mY BITCH.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is hmmmm ariel!! get it lol.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is bored bout to play ball wit my girls!! and happy birthday dee

Christina'istayonmygrind' is is borrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddd!!!

Christina'istayonmygrind' is really thinking that i can become a one man woman!!

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like its fuckin spring break..south beach is poppin...its boy heaven out here..real talk!!lmao.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is all wifed up now...i been single 10 months..i guess time to end that.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like i miss the class of 07!!i miss yall all yall!!

Christina'istayonmygrind' is now single again...like trina!! lol.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is back wit ariels ass!

Christina'istayonmygrind' is single like a piece of gum...fa real this time..lol.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like yea..im bout to get this modeling thing POPPIN!!!

Christina'istayonmygrind' is mad as shit but im tryin to keep my cool.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is chillen..thinkin bout a whole bunch of shit.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is at the library.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is ready to see my friends...yay!!

Christina'istayonmygrind' is lookin at ex boyfriends on facebook..sometimes i wonder wtf i was thinking...lmao.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is doing a fuckin project on the history of high heels...

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like some stuff i left just go thru one ear and out the other..ignorance is a bliss and its true.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like You know the type - loud as a motor bike. But wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like dam...im really feeling u baby...maybe its just ya green eyes..lol.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like imma try and hear him out..but if he aint tellin me nothing good..im leavin him alone.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like im infactuated.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like he got me and he know he does..im happy.

Christina'istayonmygrind' is like uhh nothin last long in miami!!

Fuck you,

tree.

Fuck.

OK.

It never dies,

just starts to matter less.

Shadows painted on the wall.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2005) - 2/10. It's a movie based around a gimmick (superimposing new actors and dialogue over the movie's original backgrounds) and, while interesting, I can't describe it as anything but unecessary (and poorly done on top of that). It exists for the sake of saying it was there first. Remember Young Sherlock Holmes and how its remembered for being the first movie to feature CGI? This is that movie.

Newest endeavor.

http://ihaveanidear.blogspot.com

I guess Diana's involved in it, too.

Supper.

Bye bye.

Chocolate melted in my pants.

And rather than change them, I instead choose to hate myself every time I accidentally stick my phone in that pocket.

My Stinky Butt:

A Memoir

My butt.

I forgot to wash my butt.

Mr. Goodbar.

Mr. Greatbar.

Hey, fuck you, all right.

Sex and the City - 6/10. Man! It was like FIVE episodes! I didn't bring enough alcohol to support the two and a half hours. It's a fashion show of a movie. It's flighty and fun and as vapid as the show ever was, but it's worthwhile when they're focused on their relationships. Like the show, the movie only crackles when Big's around, and it nosedives when he takes a smoke break. Jennifer Hudson is useless. The closest the movie comes to being about something is the idea that you don't need to be married to be in a relationship, which the entire show's existence seems to revolve around - four friends whose bond with each other only extends to them just liking each other a lot - but it screws it up in the end by marrying the two off. Way to go. You were almost about something. Otherwise, it's simply a more fitting end than the last episode actually was.

I don't know how many bananas grow in a pack,

but I know it's a bunch.

- Adorable tourguide on the Disneyworld boat ride.

My one bad experience at 5 Guys

is when I'm pretty sure they noticed me putting fruit punch into my water cup.

If there's no hope left for us

then, darling, let's just leave it there.

We keep

our crazies hid.

Their treasure is knowledge. Knowledge... is their treasure.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls - 5.5/10. It exists. A TV-movie version of the real thing. Thank you for still being alive, Karen Allen.

I never dreamt it!

Me, a college graduate!

OkayGo!

Speed Racer - 7/10. Overly long, overly earnest, lot of fun.

Knowing who made it

diminishes it.

The premier work of man perhaps in the whole western world and it's without a signature.

'Be of good heart,' cry the dead artists out of the living past. Our songs will all be silenced - but what of it? Go on singing. Maybe a man's name doesn't matter all that much.

This guy I used to know.

We drove 16 hours, there and back, so he could get a Hard Rock Cafe New Orleans t-shirt.

I don't talk to him anymore.

Why I can be bought.

Banana Republic is expensive, y'all.

Iron Man, Iron Man, same theme song as Spider-Man.

8/10.

Katherine's Brief.

Why are we advertising?
To get Katherine a job at the right place.

Positioning Statement
She's a bitch, but we like her.

Who are we talking to?
Older gentlemen.

How do they feel about Katherine?
Katherine 'doesn't have much to say, yet speaks.' Self-centered, but cares about her friends. Bold. Sarcastic. Pushes buttons. An '8-year old with a driver's license.' Likes boys. Is an exclusive club. You either get Katherine or you don't. Energetic, spunky, vivacious. Has a weird accent. Like she's not from here, but she's definitely from here. Katherine is the sun. Wild. Likes getting what she wants but doesn't need it. She has sharp nails and uses them to hurt people. Katherine doesn't cry.

What should we say to them?
Katherine is a risk. It is just as likely for you to hate Katherine as it
is for you to love her. Either way, it will be interesting.

If Katherine was a wrestler, what wrestler would she be?
Ric Flair. One of the loudest, most garish wrestlers in the game. Also
known as a "Limousine ridin', jet flying, kiss stealin', wheelin' dealing,
son of a gun."

Media Requirements
That thing that Brand Managers have to do.

Samara's Brief.

Why are we advertising?

To get Samara the job at the right place.



Positioning Statement

Samara's got some damn sense.


Who are we talking to?

People acting a fool.



How do they feel about Samara?
Samara is fun, funny, laid back. Samara puts up a wall. Bossy. Not athletic, but not girly. Samara "does things on her own time." She is constructive without being nasty. Samara is direct. Samara's got a mouth. Samara has opinions. Samara is not afraid to state her opinions. She can be intimidating. Samara is a "difficult piece of fruit." Samara ain't trying to impress nobody. Samara claims to keep it real. She may act hard but she is fronting. If you can get in, you're good. Samara is just fucking with you, man. Samara is black.


What should we say to them?

Samara ain't got any damn time for this. Give her a damn job.



If Samara was a wrestler, what wrestler would she be?

Christian Cage. Not the biggest wrestler, nor the baddest, but uses his mouth to start some shit.



Media Requirements

I don't know, don't you have a thesis due or some shit?

Brian's Brief.

Why are we advertising?

To get Brian the job at the right place.



Positioning Statement

Brian is effortless.



Who are we talking to?

The ladies.



How do they feel about Brian?
Brian is dreamy. Brian is unfazed. He doesn't get stressed out. He is mean, but funny. "Calls you out without hurting your feelings." Dresses like an "Irish immigrant moving to America." Brian coasts. He is a talented artist. Delightful. Has a cackle - a "genuine laugh." He is the cool kid in the back. He is "searching for something more." Brian is a father. He will probably be a cool dad. "Brian gives even less of a shit about what other people think than you do." He didn't deserve to win best dressed. That honor belonged to Eric Larkin and he knows it.


What should we say to them?

Brian makes you cool by association.



If Brian was a wrestler, what wrestler would he be?

The Rock. Never the most technical wrestler, but gets by on his charm.



Media Requirements
1 Website, due this week.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

Did poet, author, roving Waffletown Historian, blogroll participant *JAY SIFL* co-write the concept for this metal band's video that appeared on this passing week's The Headbanger's Ball on your, yes, your MTV??

Click to see!!

YES!!

Every morning, the same.

J. Mascis,

I understand your continuing need to make music, but you're old and fat now.

"Why'd I stick my penis up it?"

- Eminem, in his love song for his daughter, Hailie.

I just like the way

these words look on a page.

The past month.

Food poisoning.
A bolt in my tire.
Slept in bed with a gay man.
Tire burst at 70 mph on the interstate with five people in the car.
Laptop stolen.
Phone fell in the river.
Sick for the first time in two years.
Sam's Club membership expired.

Otherwise, things are going well.

Ask me about my gun.

Ask me about my gun.

Bear traps on freecycle.

Were asked to be removed by moderators browsing the forum. They offered to come pick up the metal themselves and, if exchanged for money, they would donate it to an animal rescue organization.

On 1, I understand and respect their decision.

On 2, I'm down five steel leg trappings.

I have no intention

of saying anything important.

Local awards

for student ads.

I can't remember any of the jokes.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - 6.5/10. It is a genuinely enjoyable movie, and you know there ain't no motherfucker laugh like I do, but the seams are starting to show. The jokes seem part of that whole style of joke, the movie is paced and plotted shoddily, and it takes an easy and predictable way out. This movie, and all dem other movies, are at their best when the characters are just shooting the shit and it doesn't seem so scripted, but i got more of the latter in this one. Not knocking it, I really do recommend seeing it, I've just got to maintain an objective outlook or my integrity as a guy who reviews movies on the internet, nay - a citizen - means nothing.

There's nothing like spending a hot day out in the sun

and coming home to a can of 'Dew.

What I want to thank you the most for

is just being there.

Things I've lost to The River:

My favorite sandals.
A decent pair of flip-flops.
My glasses.
These strings I used to put around my fingers because I thought they looked cool.
My cousin.
My phone.

Me and my bro and sis at our annual retreat.

Just need to let some steam out.

I'm looking at you, Dave Eggers.

Persepolis - 7.5/10. The first half of the movie had me going, 8.5, best movie of last year. Young kid who can't grasp the enormity of her situation. Some shit about being a false prophet, I don't know. But then it does that thing that I fucking hate, I absolutely fucking hate about memoirs in that it has to be linear, it has to be truthful, and storylines are lost (the false prophet thing) and characters come out of nowhere and shit happens that have no real bearing on other, more important shit and then the author just ends up being a narcissistic shitbag who thinks their life is worth reading about. It becomes about the person rather than about an idea and the idea the first half of the movie was about was so so so much better.

I enjoyed the entire movie.

I'm just trying to prove how smart i am.

Video nasty.

Cannibal Holocaust - 5.5/10. Deodato points the camera not at the gruesome violence but instead at us, as if to say, plaintively - it's almost like we're the real cannibals.

You know?

Guys?

Hello?

Somebody's got to be with me on this.

Guys?

If it isn't,

then it must be rock and roll.

Nerf War at a playground in the dark.

Jesus fucking christ.

Hug count:

7

Hug count:

6

Leatherheads.

I'm sorry. You were not what I wanted you to be.

2/10.

Lost my laptop.

Hug count: 5

We cannot overturn the whole scheme to accomodate the buzzard.

The Adventures of Mark Twain - 6/10. I can't tell if Mark Twain just reads better than is spoken or if the tone of the movie is just all wrong. Things sound more flippant and throw-away here than they do on the page. I would've liked for the stories that intermixed the main story to have said more about Twain and who he was and why he's doing what he's doing, and they do to an extent, but not enough to matter. As it is, it's Willy Wonka-like in that it's a thrown-together story that's just an excuse to have a bunch of really great lines said together, but it lacks the fun and imagination of that movie.

If history is any indication.

The cutest presidential candidate always wins.

Vigo the Carpathian up there was a mistake.

This only applies to televised presidential races.

This is not my tune

but it is mine to use.

The World's *Most Adorable* Tallest Man

Linens

'N' Things

Hey, guys, can we make a promise?

Can we all promise to never let go?

If you want to throw punches,

throw them in your rhymes.

You didn't find the conversation interesting because you weren't being challenged enough.

We'll put you in the AP class.

A story I know.

"My friend met DMX at Six Flags. He said, 'Here, hold my ice cream,' while he went to play the basketball prize game."

- Ernesto

I shacked up with a man before marriage.

His name was Jesus.

Respice post te!

Hominem te memento!

The author looms above his page

and thinks it strange that at his age
he can not find the proper words
to describe his only world.

Blogging.

About the environment.

Hey, man, whatcha doin'?

Thinkin'.

Official?

Listen,
they were holding hands.

Dear Mr. Popsicle Man,

I'm sorry I left you on the counter.

There was nothing I can do.

Nothing.

I can only hope that I will someday be able to forgive myself.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

Paris Je T'Aime - 7.5/10. Mostly good, occasionally great. Alexander Payne for the win.

Your taste in music is excellent.

It exactly coincides with my own.

Ritz crackers.

You were cool at first, but I don't like you anymore.

Cherry coke.

You are the bomb.

Archivists

make it last longer.

He lied to her.

He lied to her.
He lied to her with a perfectly straight face.

Ought to know what a liar I am.

Ought to know me by now.

Listen to me:

Never sign without seeing a script.

But you were such an ugly child.

You were such an awkward child.
You were such a stupid child.

Pull up my pants,

now the camera crews are gone.

What we sing about

is none of your business anyway.

The male-female relationship,

as a subject for song.

Perhaps I can take it apart

to see what it's arrangements are.

Yes.

But didn't Jesus also say

The dog.

When I fart, it thinks there's an intruder.

If it all makes sense, you’re the furthest fucking gone.

Into the Wild - 8.5/10. Guy goes into the wilderness for two years. Says to Thoreau: Well, sort of. Flawed, but great in spite of its flaws. Some poor editing/directing choices, but some great choices as far as its purposeful meandering. Guy comes in and out of others lives, changing theirs' and adamantly refusing to listen to what any of them have to offer in return until he finally and desperately learns it for himself.

That's the test, ain't it? Test of true love.

Blood Simple - 8.5/10. Yeah, this was great. Everyone in it is fantastic and I am impressed by how well everything falls together. Nobody knows what's going on but us. I don't know why it isn't talked about outside of it being their first movie.

Jesus Christ, I need to watch something good.

Feast - 4/10. It tries to be from very early on a horror movie that doesn't play by the rules, but it doesn't actually add anything new.

Ah-hoh-hoh.

Forbidden Games - 8/10. A love story between a little boy and a little girl. Shit will break your heart.

Sort of like the abortion issue.

King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters - 7/10. Yeah, cool, all right.

All employees must wash their hands.

All others may walk away icky-poo.

Damn.

That's some good fucking milk.

Give a hoot,

read a book.

Man,

I have got to live a more interesting life.

The upper left side of the picture.

I cannot show excitement.

My face doesn't move that way.

This guy.

This guy right here.

Dear guests,

Bless this mess!

Persiflage.

frivolous bantering talk : light raillery

For what women say to lovers, you'll agree, one writes on running water or air.

Naw. Poetry don't work on whores.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - We got a weird one. I can't figure out what's wrong with the first three-quarters, but the last bit there at the end, the last 30 minutes or so is filled with some good fucking shit. Brad Pitt reads lines off a page, but Casey Affleck is fantastic and when Pitt gets quieter towards the end, and Casey matures from an idolatrous young buck to a cesspool of all kinds of emotions and shit, y'all, that's the fire. Fuck. - 7/10.

Attn: Band

Play that song I know.

The picture business.

Hollywoodland - 5/10. It's one of those movies where it can't find enough interesting content in its subject matter so it turns it into a movie-within-a-movie and surrounds it with shit we've seen before.

In Bruges - 6.5/10. An equal mix 'The Matador' and 'Sexy Beast' and, rather than taking its cue from those movies and expanding on what worked and making it better, it instead is pretty much just a mish-mash of those two movies. Ralph Fiennes unabashedly rips off Ben Kingsley and Colin Farrell is Pierce Brosnan's conflicted assassin. It doesn't add anything save for a few moments of genuine fun. The best parts are when it forgets its story and is just a bunch of people fucking around.

It is not my desire to hurt anyone.

I do not wish to cause you harm.

My favorite short story.

I danced with the bride of the Elephant Man and she whispered: You'll always be just a fool in his shadow - without a face, without a story of your own. You'll always be just a rube at the window, staring like an asshole with a quarter in your fist.

I want to see this!

Real bad.

To the torn strands of weave in the bush at the McDonald's Drive-Thru:

You are the saddest story I know.

Listen,

you haven't even watched the show, okay?

Boy, howdy.

Boy, howdy.

Things Mountain Dew: Code Red does to a person:

Makes them order Angel: The Complete Series at 6 a.m.

I tell you what.

Angel: The Complete Series

for $55.99 at Amazon.com.

Hello, wildest dreams.

My music taste:

Anything but country lol

Alex's Brief.

Why are we advertising?
To get Alex the job at the right place.

Positioning Statement
Alex is a handful.

Who are we talking to?
Potential babysitters.

How do they feel about Alex?
Alex falls down. Alex is always moving. He is jolly. Laughter is his response to everything. Alex is distracted. Alex is distracting. Alex is bouncy. Alex has uncontainable energy. Contagious energy. If you're around Alex, you will laugh. You may not realize why you are laughing or remember why you laughed, but you will laugh. Alex is the "kid on the end of a leash." Alex "needs time to run around." Alex doesn't see the big picture/doesn't have focus. Alex is quick. Alex is "comfortable to be around, to tell ideas to." "Makes your ideas stronger." Alex tells stories. You know what Alex is interested in because Alex wants you to like what he likes, and you most likely will. Certain words/things/ideas become associated with Alex because Alex will tell you about them, a lot. Alex talks at all the wrong times.

What should we say to them?
Alex will hurt himself for money.

If Alex was a wrestler, what wrestler would she be?
Mick Foley. Never technically the best wrestler, but beloved because he was willing to hurt himself in order to make me happy. My favorite wrestler.

Media Requirments
1 Website, due this week.

Jenn's brief.

Why are we advertising?
To get Jenn the job at the right place.

Positioning Statement
I may be from a different planet, but I come bearing gifts.

Who are we talking to?
"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement. "

^^Those people.

How do they feel about Jenn?
Jennifer Maravillas is "fucking crazy." A dreamer. Random. "Lives somewhere else, but we see her everyday." She is everywhere. A free-spirit. Air-y. She has a small head but wears big glasses. An unexpected sorority member. Will not flourish unless she can do her own thing. Jenn makes others feel uncool. Even the people who get Jenn don't seem to get Jenn. Pants are forbidden.

What should we say to them?
I don't know where Jenn is, but I want to be there.

If Jenn was a wrestler, what wrestler would she be?
One of those luchadores, who are simply a joy to watch.

Media Requirments
1 Website, due this week.

First ad.

This year's prom theme.

Cuddle Party

Brief for Jill Lin.

Why are we advertising?
To get Jill Lin the job at the right place.

Positioning Statement
Jill Lin doesn't care about advertising, she cares about what she cares about, sometimes that's advertising.

Who are we talking to?
People whose feelings towards advertising fall in line with her own.

How do they feel about Jill Lin?
Jill Lin is "fierce." "Sweet." "Scary." "Has an affinity for illustrating fish." With Jill Lin, "if there's a will, there's a way." If Jill Lin wants something, she will go after it, regardless of the cost (figuratively and literally). "If she's into it, she's really into it." She is high fashion. Jill Lin is pretty. She knows what pretty is. Jill Lin is good taste. Jill Lin is small, but she will kick your ass.

What should we say to them?
You want Jill Lin, so be something that Jill Lin wants. Don't tell Jill Lin what Jill Lin is. Jill Lin does not belong in a box.

If Jill Lin was a wrestler, what wrestler would she be?
Owen Hart, who died in the ring after being told to do something he didn't want to do.

Media Requirments
1 Website, due this week.

Brief for Josh.

Why are we advertising?
To get Josh the job at the right place.

Positioning Statement
Josh is trouble.

Who are we talking to?
Potential family members.

How do they feel about Josh?
Josh makes an impression. Josh is opposing sides of the same coin. A range of highs and lows. Josh is your dad and your youngest brother. His strengths are his weaknesses. If you say one thing, he will say the opposite. Cares more about big ideas but "doesn't forget the details" (unsourced). Motivating to others but "needs to follow up on his own ideas." (anonymous) Josh is gaudy (eccentric, flamboyant, flashy, garish, glitzy, loud, ostentatious, spectacular, splashy, swank (or swanky), tawdry). He is an instigator. He has high expectations for others and is vocal when they don't meet them. Josh has an opinion. Josh is all heart. Josh is Wolverine, whose superpower was once described as 'he just keeps coming.'

If Josh was a wrestler, what wrestler would he be?
The Ultimate Warrior. Look him up.

What should we say to them?
Josh wants to start some shit. But only so that you will succeed. If you hire Josh, he will be taking an active role in your office.

Media Requirments
1 Website, due this week.

Happy Songs from Liz.

Because it is worth sharing.

1 Magnolia Electric Co. - The big game is every night
2 Ennio Morricone - Per qualche dollario in Piu
3 The Avalanches - Frontier psychiatrist
4 Pixies - Debaser
5 The Cars - Shake it up
6 Linda Ronstadt - Just one look
7 Joanna Newsom - Peach, plum, pear
8 The Moldy Peaches - Steak for chicken
9 Paul Baribeau - Boys like me
10 PJ Harvey - Hardly wait
11 Pixies - Gouge away
12 Bananarama - Cruel summer
13 Rolling Stones - Shattered
14 The Moldy Peaches - Who's got the crack
15 Pavement - Gold sounds
16 Some foreign song, shit if I know.
17 Elvis Presley - Burning love
18 T Rex - Metal guru
19 The Silver Jews - Living water
20 REM - E-bow the letter
21 Smog - Ex
22 Rolling Stones - Under my thumb
23 Velvet Underground - After hours

Happy songs.

She gets the hard copy, you get to download it.

Fightning Force.

C'mon.

One Act Play

Interior, Papa Jazz Used CDs and Records Store

TWO GIRLS ENTER

Girl 1: Oh, man, they have (band)!

Girl 2: Oh, yeah, who's th-- don't you own that album?

Girl 1: Yeah, but I just like looking at the cover.

THE END




YEAH, Y'ALL FEELING THIS SHIT? THIS WHAT I DO, DOG.

THIS WHAT I DO.

Remember

to be happy.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

Do you have any idea how many songs they wrote about you?

Remember

that time I

Hey, look, guys, we're in love.

We saw it on TV.


- Ernesto.

Future missive to my son:

Your feelings are stupid and wrong.

Happy Valentines Day!

Love,

My mom.

Right click, save as.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

Listen, I got sidetracked, okay?

And there's too much pressure right now, too much - everyone wants this to work and I just, fucking, I, listen - this is going to work, we just need to let it happen, let it work its course. I know, I know - shhh. We'll make it, okay?

;)

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

I'm coming over.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

You know how you can be completely quiet around someone and not feel compelled to say anything and be completely comfortable?

I think that's how I am with you.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

The point is I want to change, I'm

trying

to change.


But it's hard.

And I want this

this this this this



us



I want us to work.



Anyway, just letting you know what's up. See you soon!

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

I drank a lot of Mountain Dew tonight.

...

I mean a lot of Mountain Dew.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

I hope you don't like guys in bands
or with cool tattoos
or who wear tight jeans
or who talk to you in public.

But I think you might.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

My space heater keeps me warm, but I wouldn't need it anymore if I had you here.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

Tomorrow, you may notice the smell of a sea breeze accompanying me through your door.

That would be my new shampoo.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

I understand why you didn't talk to me today.
You were all business.
But that's what I like about you -- your devotion to your career.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

I watched a few movies this past weekend and wanted to tell you what I thought of them.

Chisholm '72 and The Prestige - Without you/10.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

Elections are coming up.

I have voted you treasurer of my heart.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

Where were you last night? I went to buy your burgers and you weren't there. I couldn't sleep last night thinking you were sick or or or dead. Dead on the side of the road somewhere.

Just.

Tell me you're okay.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

I want to take you to the beach.
I'd like to make a castle for us.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

You're such a mystery to me. What kind of music do you like? Whose clothes do you wear? My friend was telling me yesterday that people think I'm mysterious, but I think that's just because I come off as gay.

I'm not gay.

<3

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

We're having Poker Night tonight! I wanted to invite you but it's sort of a 'just-the-guys' thing, ha. Besides, I don't think I'm ready for you to meet my friends. I want us to get to know each other on our own first. Anyway, I think I'm going to buy a burger from you tomorrow. See you soon!

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

What is your name? Is it Karen? Or Rebecca? Maybe it's something cool like Layne. Or a boy's name, like Sam (short for Samantha). Anyway, I'll keep thinking.

Dear Girl at Fat Larry's,

I am in class right now, but I am thinking of you. What are you doing? I bet you're off work by now. Do you have any hobbies? I bet you do. That's what I like about you. Anyway, I'll see you later (I hope).

The next time my dad calls,

I'm going to try calling him 'Pop Pop.'

Julia Stiles comments on the death of Heath Ledger

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.


- LG/yet even more stolen content.

I used to want to change the world.

Now I just want to leave the room with a little dignity.

- Lotus Weinstock

The Reasons I Love Comics: In Summary

Michael P. Flannery, Chief Architect

When we lived in a trailer, we could leave our toys out, jump on the beds, and pick at the holes in the screen.

When we moved into our new house, we had to put a cover on the couch.

I only really miss the trailer.



Basically, this is just a big fuck you to whoever took down our fort.

"Shut up,"

he explained.

god loves his children.

country boys - 7.5/10. pbs frontline documentary about two alternative school kids from rural kentucky. cody's only interesting in that he's into metal and jesus. chris, however, is full of anger and excuses and is clearly a smart kid who has no one to support him. he's the prototypical poor kid who only has very small goals but can't even seem to get to them without getting overwhelmed and giving up entirely. his is the story worth watching.

I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed.

There Will Be Blood - 7/10. I enjoyed it. I gained nothing from it.

Bully - 5/10. I don't like movies with unlikeable characters. It is a weakness.

the cow of the sea

pie

good

Dweams.

paprika - 5.5/10. anime about hijacking dreams, blurring line between reality and fantasy, etc, etc. recommended to this guy by this girl. that's about right. some interesting ideas floating around, but that's all they really do. tended to over-complicate things, but that just may be me being dumb. i could like it more with another watch but, yeah, i'm not really going to do that.

Phil Anselmo's Pain

Burns In The Heart Of My Little Brother

- Charles Bronson

Try the priest.

juno - 6.5. it was better than i hoped it would be. i want to defend it, because the story has a human side to it, it's just buried beneath a main character who you have no affection for. all of the supporting characters are fun and, surprisingly, human, even and especially michael cera, who doesn't have to put on any tics in order to be interesting. its unfortunate that the movie had to try to be a comedy.

down by law - 6.5/10. again, not a bad movie. there's a lot i like, the inability for two people to realize that they can be friends even though they lose the link that made them friends in the first place, it's just that it has this college play feel to the story and acting. good god, the acting.

sweeney todd - 8/10. yo, this was some serious shit, all right?

such bad things to such good people.

gone baby gone - 8.5/10. mystic river is an easy, and appropriate, comparison, but i'd put it along the lines of something like the constant gardener. the best thing that comes out of this movie is that it shows how easy, how easy it is to do the wrong thing. there is a period in the movie where the argument to do the wrong thing is so strong that you start to believe it and the counter-argument so flimsy that you can't believe that it's under debate at all. for five minutes, you're on the bad guy's side. except the movie doesn't supply a bad guy, only a few people's idea of what is right vs. another's idea of what is right, which happens to be the law's definition of what is right, and is in the end about how you can live with yourself with the decisions you make. the music can get a little melodramatic and morgan freeman is a figurehead of a character, but it's an interesting subject matter and i'm probably jizzing over it so much because it's a subject matter i'm in to. it probably deserves a little lower rating but fuck it, watch it, all right.

rent - 1/10. a crew of shitty, artsy douches complain about their situation while doing nothing to fight it other than to sing jesus christ superstar b-sides with tinny, whiny, lame voices and blame everything on one of their defectors who no longer share their shitty, artsy, douche ideals, and all i can do is pray pray pray the building burns down.

Jesus Christ Bobby.

Many people genuinely do not wish to be saints, and it is probable that some who achieve or aspire to sainthood have never felt much temptation to be human beings.

- Orwell

I only talk about movies that fail me.

eagle vs. shark - 5.5/10. much of the cast come off as authentic and awkward and only slightly caricatured, and i can't look at the lead actress without wanting to take care of her for the rest of my life, but jemaine from flight of the conchords drags this shit down. he, more than anyone, is putting on an act, and it's unfortunate because, while the emotional weight of the story is on the girl, he carries the plot forward with gimmick after gimmick that only magnify the movie's flaws.

once - 7.5/10. it's precious. the songs are good, the chemistry is there, you want them to be together. it's not a love story in the same way 'my fair lady' isn't a love story. a lot of the songs remind me of the diana ross song from the end credits of 'land before time.'

Man,

I download movies like a motherfuck now that I've arbitrarily decided that it's not wrong.

let you be in heaven for thirty minutes

before the devil knows you're dead - 4/10. i have an intense dislike of this movie. it has got vague echoes of 'in the bedroom,' where one act tears a family apart, but where that movie was, uh, what is it? -- good, this one is shallow and predictable and everyone involved knows they're acting in a movie. further, it's boring.


i think the biggest hindrance to internet piracy is downloading movies with the audio out of sync. yo, that shit is fucked up.

They come at night.

But one must sleep some time.

- Solyaris

MATILDA told such Dreadful Lies, It made one Gasp and Stretch one's Eyes.

atonement - 7.5/10. the first half when she's a child is pretty enthralling, but the second half hides flimsy melodrama behind long, drawn-out scenes that add little, with an older actress who can't seem to carry her weight, when the whole movie is about her carrying around the weight of a lie. it brings it back at the end.

the ten - 7/10. the guys from the state. ten segments telling stories based off of the ten commandments. that's just a gimmick which holds a bunch of sketches together, but it helps that most of them are pretty hilarious.

solyaris - 8/10. a 3-hour russian science fiction epic about the nature of reality and what we choose to believe? i'm there! at once terrifying and sad.

Little Hershey's Kissies.

Surely, God did not intend for us to know such pleasure.

Though

my longjohns have a flap for the lower part of my butt,
I don't trust it enough to use it.